Their circumstance was different from mine. They could debut as a group, I have to do it as an individual.
[ Which isn't fair - but then again, then him from that timeline probsbly got a free pass. However, it did nothing to showcase his own superior abilities. He had to share the spotlight with five others, of course the quality is nowhere as good. ]
I will not feel at peace having to work with something less than perfect. Her attention would already have been diverted to other people, the ability is not there. I trained the correct version of her for months.
[ Stage cues, performance knowledge - he drilled her until she knew the ins and outs of every performance. Would the other version have the same skills? He doubts it. ]
I cannot work with someone who does not have the prerequisite skills.
[Tokiya needs to be less critical, because there is something bugging her about the way he's separating the two.]
The situations are different, but it does not mean things are different. However you all make your decisions are reminiscent of what your personalities are like. You only made such decisions because of different circumstances. A person does not become a completely different person if placed into something that wasn't the same.
[Her fists clench at how he mentions that this will be less than perfect, how this composer is not the correct version. What is she then?]
Are you saying you do not trust this girl? Is this how you treat her? Just your composer? Anything different and you do not trust her? [And there it shows, what has been bugging her the whole time he started. She huffs.] Tokiya. What you are telling me now, is that your respect for her boundaries is not for her, it's for yourself? Are you saying that you are willing to discard anything, including her, if it is less than perfect?
[ He has to make a decision now - continue avoiding the topic and possibly incur Vietnam's wrath, or try to own up and rescue his reputation. It really isn't what she thinks it is, which makes saying it all the more difficult. ]
People do not just make decisions based off personalities. Memories of past interactions are also important. [ That night in August first comes to mind. Then, as the months passed, his own memories became more and more painful. ] We won't have the same relationship anymore, especially with the others around. It's different.
[ To have someone he not only could work with, but trust more than what he usually gave others... that sort of thing can't be replicated. She knew what he wanted to express with his music without having to ask. How does one rebuild that sort of closeness with so many other things in the way? ]
I value her happiness, and that comes from her interactions with other people too. It's better if I just leave her be.
[That's right, he better tell her details. At the moment, the normally patient Vietnam is feeling the burdens of what she hates: impatience. Her nerves are getting tested, she's feeling the weight of a couple of months of dancing around this topic and her constant worrying of him.
Keep calm, keep calm...first thing she does was take his cd to put it neatly on his desk.]
You are selfish.
[Wait what? He just expressed how he valued her happiness. He will leave her alone if she wants to interact with other people. They don't have the same relationship anymore.
Vietnam slams a hand down on the desk, the other resting on her hip, and she stares at him, her entire demeanor cracking.] You don't trust her enough, and you don't trust yourself enough. I don't hear anything about how you will let her decide for herself if she wants you to stay away. Don't be so weak.
[She finally realises what just happened and her eyes widen, is she being too harsh? Vietnam takes a deep breath before she exhales, trying to relax her tone.]
[ He says nothing at first, bearing the full brunt of her accusations. This isn't new, after all. Except that the person calling him out right now is someone worth listening to, so he has to give at least some sort of acknowledgement.
So what if he was? He had to take initiative to do things and mark boundaries, before he gets pressed into yet another unnecessary engagement.
You don't trust yourself enough. ]
I can't.
[ It's for her own good, he tells himself. To trust her more would be to bring them closer together, and he cannot allow that. To choose between his feelings and his goals, the latter own without question. So he has to take measures, to make sure it wasn't lost. It's for her own good, too. If they broke the rules, both of them would be punished at the same time.
He didn't have much to live for, but she still had possibility. ]
Relationships are banned in the Academy. I'm just taking steps to make sure that rule isn't broken.
[ Yes, it's lonely. But he could deal with it, he's always been lonely. ]
If I have to do this to ensure we can still graduate without problems, then so be it.
[She's beginning to realise that he's actually pretty nasty. But at the same time he's still nice. He's always been nice to her. It probably is what frustrates her more, honestly.
Why can't he just trust himself more? He can't see it. But she can, because despite him criticising himself, he has never done anything to her that made her doubt him. She believes he can do it.
Also who the fuck bans relationships in schools, modern times can't make up their own minds. She gives up there so she's not going to even address it.]
You can wait. You already have that resolve. [It's deeper, as she had always suspected.] But you don't have to close yourself up. [She looks visibly upset about this, and she tries to laugh it away. But everyone knows she can't force herself to laugh.]
Tokiya, have you been drowning yourself in such thoughts all alone? [Yet he was telling her this.]
[ He's always been capable, that isn't debatable. Academics, performances, even just menial work - he could do anything. He had the discipline and focus to do so. But how does one apply reason to emotions? Even for such a practiced liar as he was, he couldn't completely cut off his own feelings. And it hurt.
Of course, it was something he never showed, because no one must know. He was good at keeping secrets, even painful ones. ]
It was never necessary to bring it up.
[ There wasn't anyone he trusted enough to tell, anyway. ]
It's my personal problem. I will handle it on my own.
[She would be touched that he told her, though she's not sure why. Part of her doesn't think it's because he does trust her, whether they realise it or not, because she never had a chance to make the comparison. She thinks she's pressuring him, and she hopes this doesn't hurt him more.
But he needs to get it out if he wants to start accepting himself.
It's time for one of her specialty hugs: the awkward Voldemort hug. Only because she actually sucks at initiating a hug but she feels like it will help him remember he's not alone. At least not here, and he can bring that strength back home. Suck it up, Tokiya, she knows how you feel about physical contact (she's the same, that's why this hug SUCKS.) But she still tries to wrap her arms around his shoulders and pat him on the back.]
I learned the hard way that we can't handle everything on our own. Now that you have brought it up, I hope that you will depend on me. While I can do nothing concerning your relationship, as those are decisions you must make yourself, I will be here for you to remind you that you need not cut everything off.
You deserve to be happy, even if you can't see it yourself.
[ He tenses up when she hugs him, though it's more by instinct than anything else. She might be able to tell that he never properly relaxes anymore.
What she says is harder to take in, though. It went against how he usually handled things, which had served him reasonably well up till now. There is still a part of him that doesn't want to let that go. ]
I'll think about it.
[ Deserving to be happy isn't a judgment that other people can make, anyway. ]
[It's how he tensed up which made her raise her eyebrows. He didn't pull away, or react other than that. He's just...looking like he usually does. So she relaxes instead, arms no longer stiff as she rubs his back (and because no one sees), knowing full well that this idiot suffers more than he lets out. That cool exterior hides something a lot more fiery.
And yet he still denies himself of any changes. But she knows it's hard to just change. It'll take some time anyway.]
[ She is completely right in this aspect. He hides a greater emotional intensity that others would expect - to the extent of having terrifying tranquil fury when truly angered. Unsurprisingly, it involved Haruka being kidnapped.
Tokiya almost snorts when she replies. ]
Did you expect me to refuse?
[ He folds his arms, though it's more out of habit than anything else. ]
[Basically, he's just like her...only she's had more chances to think things through. Surprisingly emotional at the best of times. Although lately she feels like people are picking up on that.
He sounds a little amused though, or maybe he's challenging her. Either way--]
Ah, you can be very stubborn. I was prepared to try to convince you a little more. I am glad you're giving it a chance by considering it, at least. This is not something you can change just like that, so I understand.
[ Of course it would. It was what he was working towards to, after all.
He takes the CD in silence, steel blue eyes resting on the cover for a few moments before he returns his attention to the conversation and taps it with one neatly manicured nail. ]
She likes him. A great deal.
[ So he can't still be sure whether Haruka liked him only because of his persona, or otherwise. ]
[She wants a copy!! A first press edition, so then she'd be able to say she got it. And a normal one just so she can listen to it. Don't worry, being Japan and Taiwan's sibling has taught her how to do all this fan stuff.
She looks at "him" first, being the man on the cover of the CD. Now, as she never actually seen HAYATO do his work, all she has to go by is what she heard on his CD.
The context is now completely muddled up for her, because unlike all of Japan (therefore Haruka), Vietnam encountered Tokiya first. It's why she could easily say she likes Tokiya more than HAYATO.]
I see, her inspiration? But now she writes music for you, no? [It all goes full circle.] Does she understand you as "Tokiya"?
[ You're going to get so much of your money sucked out of you by idol hell, Vietnam. But then again, she has a lot of money in the first place, so it shouldn't be a problem. ]
... it's what I'd like to believe.
[ The question troubled him greatly during the earlier months, the answer to which he obtained by changing persona and talking to her as Hayato instead.
[Exactly, she's good at saving! Which means she can spend on idol hell without even feeling like her money is getting sucked out. Prepare yourself, Tokiya, going to collect his CDs.
The way Tokiya appears to depend on this girl has Vietnam believe that she must be good. Tokiya warmed up to their family rather well, so she could only think it is someone who understands him. Tiny determined fist pump time?!]
I...I think so. Natsuki spoke highly of her too! There might be some differences, but the personality should be the same, so I believe from stories alone, that it should be fine. Besides, you are someone who tries to strive for perfection. As long as you do it as yourself and not HAYATO, I think you'd be able to sing anything you put your mind to.
[It's only embarrassing once she makes him sign them all...which she will. Nicely though, she'll ask nicely?!]
Hmm... [Something about him still radiates Doubt. She definitely can't speak for his composer, since she has never met the girl yet and is really just going by whatever she heard and how these boys look like when they talk about her.]
I suppose it is the only thing we can do now. We can't predict the future. [So he is right, somewhat.] I wonder else you can do for the time being. I know you are practicing and going to those sessions with the other town idols, but is there anything else that you can do to save time before you get your songs? [She crosses her arms.] I would include relaxation in that as well, as you have time...
[ Maybe she does have a point. He has been working so meticulously that his schedule is always packed. Was it an unconscious attempt at making him forget about the things he had been trying to avoid? ]
I'll see what I can do.
[ He'll probably spend an 'off day' reading at home, if anything else. That should help. ]
[When someone who loves working hard!!! tells you to relax, it's really actually seriously.
The problem is, because he works so hard, Vietnam's realised that the only thing she's seen him do is read.]
If there is anything you need, please tell me. I do realise this house is furnished more comfortably for myself and Chiyo, we still need to get to things for you. It will help you too, no? [Like...relaxing. Or working. Heck all the dvd's are just the girls', not a single one is a concert or anything for Tokiya's research purpose.]
[ It's partially because the things Tokiya needs for training generally tend to be in the Conservatory. He has little other belongings of his own other than his music player and a handful of books. ]
I will.
[ Really, he has little needs. But he appreciates the sentiment. ]
Good. [If she was the type to sparkle, she would. Remember when he used to say he didn't need anything. Instead now he says that he will tell her if need be. IMPROVEMENT.]
I'll go put your old outfit away, is there anything else you want me to do, or need of me?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Their circumstance was different from mine. They could debut as a group, I have to do it as an individual.
[ Which isn't fair - but then again, then him from that timeline probsbly got a free pass. However, it did nothing to showcase his own superior abilities. He had to share the spotlight with five others, of course the quality is nowhere as good. ]
I will not feel at peace having to work with something less than perfect. Her attention would already have been diverted to other people, the ability is not there. I trained the correct version of her for months.
[ Stage cues, performance knowledge - he drilled her until she knew the ins and outs of every performance. Would the other version have the same skills? He doubts it. ]
I cannot work with someone who does not have the prerequisite skills.
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The situations are different, but it does not mean things are different. However you all make your decisions are reminiscent of what your personalities are like. You only made such decisions because of different circumstances. A person does not become a completely different person if placed into something that wasn't the same.
[Her fists clench at how he mentions that this will be less than perfect, how this composer is not the correct version. What is she then?]
Are you saying you do not trust this girl? Is this how you treat her? Just your composer? Anything different and you do not trust her? [And there it shows, what has been bugging her the whole time he started. She huffs.] Tokiya. What you are telling me now, is that your respect for her boundaries is not for her, it's for yourself? Are you saying that you are willing to discard anything, including her, if it is less than perfect?
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[ He has to make a decision now - continue avoiding the topic and possibly incur Vietnam's wrath, or try to own up and rescue his reputation. It really isn't what she thinks it is, which makes saying it all the more difficult. ]
People do not just make decisions based off personalities. Memories of past interactions are also important. [ That night in August first comes to mind. Then, as the months passed, his own memories became more and more painful. ] We won't have the same relationship anymore, especially with the others around. It's different.
[ To have someone he not only could work with, but trust more than what he usually gave others... that sort of thing can't be replicated. She knew what he wanted to express with his music without having to ask. How does one rebuild that sort of closeness with so many other things in the way? ]
I value her happiness, and that comes from her interactions with other people too. It's better if I just leave her be.
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Keep calm, keep calm...first thing she does was take his cd to put it neatly on his desk.]
You are selfish.
[Wait what? He just expressed how he valued her happiness. He will leave her alone if she wants to interact with other people. They don't have the same relationship anymore.
Vietnam slams a hand down on the desk, the other resting on her hip, and she stares at him, her entire demeanor cracking.] You don't trust her enough, and you don't trust yourself enough. I don't hear anything about how you will let her decide for herself if she wants you to stay away. Don't be so weak.
[She finally realises what just happened and her eyes widen, is she being too harsh? Vietnam takes a deep breath before she exhales, trying to relax her tone.]
It's lonely, Tokiya.
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So what if he was? He had to take initiative to do things and mark boundaries, before he gets pressed into yet another unnecessary engagement.
You don't trust yourself enough. ]
I can't.
[ It's for her own good, he tells himself. To trust her more would be to bring them closer together, and he cannot allow that. To choose between his feelings and his goals, the latter own without question. So he has to take measures, to make sure it wasn't lost. It's for her own good, too. If they broke the rules, both of them would be punished at the same time.
He didn't have much to live for, but she still had possibility. ]
Relationships are banned in the Academy. I'm just taking steps to make sure that rule isn't broken.
[ Yes, it's lonely. But he could deal with it, he's always been lonely. ]
If I have to do this to ensure we can still graduate without problems, then so be it.
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Why can't he just trust himself more? He can't see it. But she can, because despite him criticising himself, he has never done anything to her that made her doubt him. She believes he can do it.
Also who the fuck bans relationships in schools, modern times can't make up their own minds. She gives up there so she's not going to even address it.]
You can wait. You already have that resolve. [It's deeper, as she had always suspected.] But you don't have to close yourself up. [She looks visibly upset about this, and she tries to laugh it away. But everyone knows she can't force herself to laugh.]
Tokiya, have you been drowning yourself in such thoughts all alone? [Yet he was telling her this.]
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Of course, it was something he never showed, because no one must know. He was good at keeping secrets, even painful ones. ]
It was never necessary to bring it up.
[ There wasn't anyone he trusted enough to tell, anyway. ]
It's my personal problem. I will handle it on my own.
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But he needs to get it out if he wants to start accepting himself.
It's time for one of her specialty hugs: the awkward Voldemort hug. Only because she actually sucks at initiating a hug but she feels like it will help him remember he's not alone. At least not here, and he can bring that strength back home. Suck it up, Tokiya, she knows how you feel about physical contact (she's the same, that's why this hug SUCKS.) But she still tries to wrap her arms around his shoulders and pat him on the back.]
I learned the hard way that we can't handle everything on our own. Now that you have brought it up, I hope that you will depend on me. While I can do nothing concerning your relationship, as those are decisions you must make yourself, I will be here for you to remind you that you need not cut everything off.
You deserve to be happy, even if you can't see it yourself.
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What she says is harder to take in, though. It went against how he usually handled things, which had served him reasonably well up till now. There is still a part of him that doesn't want to let that go. ]
I'll think about it.
[ Deserving to be happy isn't a judgment that other people can make, anyway. ]
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And yet he still denies himself of any changes. But she knows it's hard to just change. It'll take some time anyway.]
At least you didn't say no.
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Tokiya almost snorts when she replies. ]
Did you expect me to refuse?
[ He folds his arms, though it's more out of habit than anything else. ]
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He sounds a little amused though, or maybe he's challenging her. Either way--]
Ah, you can be very stubborn. I was prepared to try to convince you a little more. I am glad you're giving it a chance by considering it, at least. This is not something you can change just like that, so I understand.
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Hm.
[ Really, it's awkward to be admitting this, even if he's trying very hard not to show it. ]
... are you going to give that back to me?
[ You know. The CD. ]
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She actually looks at him quite curiously, because he's...there's something going on?]
Hmm...? Oh!
[She quickly hands him the CD again.] Here you are. It will be nice to see a CD with "Tokiya" on the cover one day.
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He takes the CD in silence, steel blue eyes resting on the cover for a few moments before he returns his attention to the conversation and taps it with one neatly manicured nail. ]
She likes him. A great deal.
[ So he can't still be sure whether Haruka liked him only because of his persona, or otherwise. ]
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She looks at "him" first, being the man on the cover of the CD. Now, as she never actually seen HAYATO do his work, all she has to go by is what she heard on his CD.
The context is now completely muddled up for her, because unlike all of Japan (therefore Haruka), Vietnam encountered Tokiya first. It's why she could easily say she likes Tokiya more than HAYATO.]
I see, her inspiration? But now she writes music for you, no? [It all goes full circle.] Does she understand you as "Tokiya"?
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... it's what I'd like to believe.
[ The question troubled him greatly during the earlier months, the answer to which he obtained by changing persona and talking to her as Hayato instead.
But still... ]
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The way Tokiya appears to depend on this girl has Vietnam believe that she must be good. Tokiya warmed up to their family rather well, so she could only think it is someone who understands him. Tiny determined fist pump time?!]
I...I think so. Natsuki spoke highly of her too! There might be some differences, but the personality should be the same, so I believe from stories alone, that it should be fine. Besides, you are someone who tries to strive for perfection. As long as you do it as yourself and not HAYATO, I think you'd be able to sing anything you put your mind to.
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We'll see.
[ But could he do it as himself? Could he put his heart into singing, knowing that the girl who listened was not the one who loved him back?
It would be different, he knows it for sure. But he can't just tell this to someone who was trying to motivate him. ]
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Hmm... [Something about him still radiates Doubt. She definitely can't speak for his composer, since she has never met the girl yet and is really just going by whatever she heard and how these boys look like when they talk about her.]
I suppose it is the only thing we can do now. We can't predict the future. [So he is right, somewhat.] I wonder else you can do for the time being. I know you are practicing and going to those sessions with the other town idols, but is there anything else that you can do to save time before you get your songs? [She crosses her arms.] I would include relaxation in that as well, as you have time...
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I'll see what I can do.
[ He'll probably spend an 'off day' reading at home, if anything else. That should help. ]
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The problem is, because he works so hard, Vietnam's realised that the only thing she's seen him do is read.]
If there is anything you need, please tell me. I do realise this house is furnished more comfortably for myself and Chiyo, we still need to get to things for you. It will help you too, no? [Like...relaxing. Or working. Heck all the dvd's are just the girls', not a single one is a concert or anything for Tokiya's research purpose.]
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I will.
[ Really, he has little needs. But he appreciates the sentiment. ]
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Good. [If she was the type to sparkle, she would. Remember when he used to say he didn't need anything. Instead now he says that he will tell her if need be. IMPROVEMENT.]
I'll go put your old outfit away, is there anything else you want me to do, or need of me?
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No, this is enough.
[ If anything, she's left him with plenty of things to think about. ]
... thank you.
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