[ Tokiya's not wrong. Nonon doesn't understand. When you know what you want, you should do whatever you can to get it. There's faking it to advance towards your goal (she's done that), but if he has to bury his heart that he can't show it when it matters most, what's the point? It's a fight she's fought before. Satsuki wanted something so much that she killed her desire for the future past her goal, and Nonon hated that. She doesn't like what Tokiya's saying at all, and it is not making her think any better of the idol industry. ]
That idols have to fake it is the problem in the first place. Making a living by being insincere and killing your sense of self makes whatever you try to sing or play empty. Why can't you be yourself?
[ She's blunt and not mincing any words, but there's no malice in her tone, only a businesslike quality to her questions. Music is her passion, but she's serious about it. She points to the music sheets he showed her earlier. ]
That score doesn't have anything to do with being an idol, and I bet you'd play "The Swan" the same way. Why are you limiting yourself? Why are you imposing what you think as an idol on every other form of music when they're not the same?
tbh he's kind of still in denial so nonon can yell at him more about this
[ For the briefest of moments, Tokiya looks pained.
Then he recovers. It's not as fast as how he would usually do it, because this is a thing that touches very close to home. This is a thing that turned what he loved into what he practically hated. ]
I don't have a choice. [ He still sounds calm, but Nonon will know that it, too, is faked. ] I don't have any other way to live. [ No outside support, an estranged family - he has nothing. Nothing left but his own skills, even if he knows it will kill his soul if he doesn't succeed. ]
You don't care about idols, that's very fine. But many don't have a choice. One has to be the best and conform to every single expectation in every single field, or the job is gone and you're left on the streets with permanent disgrace. No one rehires an expired personality. I have to be like this all the time if I don't want to lose what little I can still control about my life.
[ What happens in his home world still haunts him, a lot more than that of his friends.
But what she says is true. He can't deny it, how his calculated approach is seeping into all his other forms of music, and it's not something he can just vanish at will. It's a Problem that he can't solve. ]
I'm not an idiot. I'm working on it.
[ He originally still had hopes of winning that audition, but now he isn't even sure if he can regain his old level of proficiency. He's been away for too long. ]
You have your freedom, that's all very well. Don't rub it in the faces of people who can't attain it.
[ Nonon is by and far privileged. She's more than privileged by anyone's standards. Her childhood is the easiest of anyone who'd come from her home. She's rich, and she's set to inherit her father's corporation, but that doesn't mean she hasn't worked hard to get where she is. She could've stayed in a cozy escalator school reserved for the rich and the elite, but she left it behind to enter a meritocratic high school.
She chased her goals with everything she had, and she had been willing to die for them, but she wasn't going to kill herself for them—like Tokiya seems to be doing. She clocks his pained expression and his fake calm. She doesn't know him that well, but a lot about him rings familiar to her.
His assumptions make her bristle, however, even if she's too prejudiced by spades. ]
Don't talk to me about freedom! Music is what I enjoy more than anything else, but it's not a career I can choose. Not anymore. [ It's something she wrestled in the past but has long come to accept as responsibility. She couldn't abandon her family or her father's work. ] Idol music is popular and commercialized, and you may have to conform at first, but to let it affect every part of your life is a failing on your part!
[ She spits the words out, harsher now, blunt in the face of his stubbornness. Her right hand cuts through the air in sharp, agitated motions. ]
Working on it? How? If you're good enough, it wouldn't happen. If you're good enough, you wouldn't need to limit yourself! If all you're focused is on what little you can control, you'll never get your sense of self back! Think on a larger scale if you want to make it big!
[ When Nonon finishes speaking, Tokiya doesn't reply.
So he was wrong. Of course, the possibility of it had always been there - but he had never really taken it seriously. Why would someone whose behaviour was as righteous like her have anything that would set itself against her? The answer was very simple. Because she had earned it, from the way she was talking to him. The mistake of making that assumption aside (which needed to be corrected), it also left him with little left to defend himself.
She didn't have a choice on what to do. At least he could still participate in music. She hinted that she couldn't.
Why are you holding yourself back?
He had never really considered the possibility of ever leaving, had it seep into every single part of his life. Perfection, but only for those who asked it of him. It was very far from a perfect life for himself. Could he truly justify taking this risk? Was it even a risk in the first place, having to already bear so much pain in trying to carry out expectations of those not here?
Even if the people he knew here weren't the ones familiar with, they did try to help him. He had turned them away subtly, told them he didn't require their assistance. But with Nonon pointing out what he had been trying to ignore for so long, he can't not give her a straight answer. ]
Hah.... [ No words at first, just a drawn-out sigh. ] You're making this difficult.
[ Though he supposes his time of denying it can't last, or she'll never let it go. ]
I'm making this difficult? You're making it difficult for yourself. Are you happy as you are?
[ She waves a hand to encompass him in his entirety, his frigidness, his dedication to an empty perfection. She's seen passion hidden underneath a veneer of coldness like water simmering to keep from boiling, but to her, Tokiya is a frozen lake. Whatever happened to him encased him past the point of thawing. ]
What is it that you're conceding? What you lack? What you're not working on? Tell me.
[ Nonon doesn't know his life. She doesn't know his circumstances, so she also doesn't know what he does or doesn't understand. Admitting his problem is the first step, however. ]
[ She's asking him incredibly loaded questions. One of which is a rhetorical question. Just as how she had been stubborn with him the previous times they've talked, now she's not going to let him go until he spells it out exactly for her.
It's not something he wants to do, not by a hundred miles. But the option to not do so, not after what she's already wrung out of him - it's starting to seem a little less favourable than the act itself. ]
Of course not. [ He's not happy as he is. Being trapped like this - she knows that he hated it, and he knows that she knows. ] I would have died if this kept on for too long. This feels like hell.
[ There, that's one step. Admitting exactly what was the problem. Or at least, how badly it was affecting him. ]
My mother signed a contract for me when I was young. It hasn't expired. I'm forced to do it, because it's too late to turn back. So I've tried my best to still live up to the expectations that were set for it. Not doing so would be to put my career at risk, when I go back - [ he didn't say if, because he believes he will ] - and I always do things to perfection.
[ However, he doesn't say it as confidently as he should have. Still committing himself to this charade is hurting him even here. ]
There is a chance that I can quit that job and move on to a new one, but that requires passing an audition, to show my unshadowed self. I'll concede that I haven't been able to take the risk and dedicate myself completely to it.
[ It's difficult, to balance that insecurity of flawed perfection with what he truly wants. For now, it's in favour of the former. ]
[ That takes Nonon aback some. She hadn't considered the possibility that he had been forced into from such a young age and contractually obligated to it. She may be locked into her career path because of her father, but if she really and truly was against it, she could get out of it.
Nonon softens a little, barely and almost imperceptibly. She knows all too well how much parental influence can harden someone — for better or for worse. She breathes through her nose, a sigh of not quite resignation but something close to the beginning of acceptance. It'd be terrible to see such talent and potential die so early.
His contract is the first hurdle, but the next one is something she feels he can do something about. ]
So dedicate yourself! Dedicate yourself completely and perfectly for what you want, if it's what you want. Some things are worth dying for, and some rewards are worth the risk! Confront your shadows and your fears, and come out shining brighter than you ever have before.
[ He's still an idol, but when people with so much drive wilt, her emotions flare, the shadows of her high school graduation always in the back of her mind. ]
Don't cower if perfection is what you want to achieve. When does your contract expire?
[ He doesn't quite relax when Nonon adjusts her stance, but her change in tone of voice is noted. If anything, maybe she's starting to understand a little - and it's good that she tries. If she continued sticking to her old manner, he might have snapped there and then.
But she doesn't. Even if she calls him a coward (in a way), he knows it's because she wants to see him succeed. ]
I can't promise a definite. [ He never does, because he knows how binding they are, and there is still a part of him that shys away from giving promises he can't deliver. ] But I can promise I'll try.
[ Maybe this was the wake-up call he'd always needed, coming from someone he grudgingly respects. It's starting to hurt less. ]
It expires a year after the time I left home. [ That's still a lot of time. ] But if I win the audition, I can quit in four months.
[ It's not significantly shorter, but it's something he's working towards. ]
[ Four months is better than a year. She still doesn't have respect for idol music in general, but music shouldn't be killing someone's soul. It should revitalize.
She claps her hands together with a note of finality. ]
That's settled, then. You have a workable goal. Don't falter.
[ She'd rather hear something definite from Tokiya, but she's accepting what he's promising. It's better than his previous attitude, at least. ]
[ His reply comes swiftly after hers, without missing a beat. A part of him is relieved that she might be letting him off, so to speak - but he knows that he's going to have to dedicate himself to it. Properly, this time. After all, if he had the determination to attend school on top of his contract, this should not be impossible.
It should not be impossible. ]
... thanks.
[ Tokiya continues after a long moment, looking down for a second. ]
I'd suppose I need to get this out at some point. Please don't tell anyone else.
[ He's actually being deferential to her, which is something. ]
[ Nonon shrugs. Her smile is cheeky and obnoxious. Honestly, not a lot of people have Nonon's true respect, but she's mellowed enough from her time in Holly Heights to not be a complete terror. It doesn't hurt her to be misleading for a small moment, though. ]
Well, we'll see. I don't see the point of spreading information like this for no reason, so don't give me a reason to.
[ She knows how to keep secrets even if she doesn't view this information as a secret so much as a less than ideal past with the emotional baggage to go with it. She likes needling, but she's upfront about it. ]
[ He would have preferred to get a more concrete answer out of her, but he supposes this will have to do. He knows Nonon isn't the sort to let things lie so easily. Still, he would have preferred a little more delicacy in how she handled the situation. ]
I won't.
[ Because it seems like the only defense he would have against her, if it can even be called so. ]
... anything else you have to say to me?
[ He doesn't say this in an angry tone, though, merely flat and as a genuine question. ]
I LOVE THIS THREAD SFM despite my hideous slowness i'm so sorry
[ Tokiya's too serious in spades, but at least she can take him for his word. His perfectionism is a benefit in his favor here. Delicacy can only be applied to how Nonon looks and not how she acts, but this isn't a situation for full out teasing. She's inconsiderate, not unobservant.
She shakes her head and waves a hand in dismissal. ]
No, let me know if anything changes for you. I'll leave you to find yourself.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
That idols have to fake it is the problem in the first place. Making a living by being insincere and killing your sense of self makes whatever you try to sing or play empty. Why can't you be yourself?
[ She's blunt and not mincing any words, but there's no malice in her tone, only a businesslike quality to her questions. Music is her passion, but she's serious about it. She points to the music sheets he showed her earlier. ]
That score doesn't have anything to do with being an idol, and I bet you'd play "The Swan" the same way. Why are you limiting yourself? Why are you imposing what you think as an idol on every other form of music when they're not the same?
tbh he's kind of still in denial so nonon can yell at him more about this
Then he recovers. It's not as fast as how he would usually do it, because this is a thing that touches very close to home. This is a thing that turned what he loved into what he practically hated. ]
I don't have a choice. [ He still sounds calm, but Nonon will know that it, too, is faked. ] I don't have any other way to live. [ No outside support, an estranged family - he has nothing. Nothing left but his own skills, even if he knows it will kill his soul if he doesn't succeed. ]
You don't care about idols, that's very fine. But many don't have a choice. One has to be the best and conform to every single expectation in every single field, or the job is gone and you're left on the streets with permanent disgrace. No one rehires an expired personality. I have to be like this all the time if I don't want to lose what little I can still control about my life.
[ What happens in his home world still haunts him, a lot more than that of his friends.
But what she says is true. He can't deny it, how his calculated approach is seeping into all his other forms of music, and it's not something he can just vanish at will. It's a Problem that he can't solve. ]
I'm not an idiot. I'm working on it.
[ He originally still had hopes of winning that audition, but now he isn't even sure if he can regain his old level of proficiency. He's been away for too long. ]
You have your freedom, that's all very well. Don't rub it in the faces of people who can't attain it.
oh tokiya... she is going to yell a lot
She chased her goals with everything she had, and she had been willing to die for them, but she wasn't going to kill herself for them—like Tokiya seems to be doing. She clocks his pained expression and his fake calm. She doesn't know him that well, but a lot about him rings familiar to her.
His assumptions make her bristle, however, even if she's too prejudiced by spades. ]
Don't talk to me about freedom! Music is what I enjoy more than anything else, but it's not a career I can choose. Not anymore. [ It's something she wrestled in the past but has long come to accept as responsibility. She couldn't abandon her family or her father's work. ] Idol music is popular and commercialized, and you may have to conform at first, but to let it affect every part of your life is a failing on your part!
[ She spits the words out, harsher now, blunt in the face of his stubbornness. Her right hand cuts through the air in sharp, agitated motions. ]
Working on it? How? If you're good enough, it wouldn't happen. If you're good enough, you wouldn't need to limit yourself! If all you're focused is on what little you can control, you'll never get your sense of self back! Think on a larger scale if you want to make it big!
yes good
So he was wrong. Of course, the possibility of it had always been there - but he had never really taken it seriously. Why would someone whose behaviour was as righteous like her have anything that would set itself against her? The answer was very simple. Because she had earned it, from the way she was talking to him. The mistake of making that assumption aside (which needed to be corrected), it also left him with little left to defend himself.
She didn't have a choice on what to do. At least he could still participate in music. She hinted that she couldn't.
Why are you holding yourself back?
He had never really considered the possibility of ever leaving, had it seep into every single part of his life. Perfection, but only for those who asked it of him. It was very far from a perfect life for himself. Could he truly justify taking this risk? Was it even a risk in the first place, having to already bear so much pain in trying to carry out expectations of those not here?
Even if the people he knew here weren't the ones familiar with, they did try to help him. He had turned them away subtly, told them he didn't require their assistance. But with Nonon pointing out what he had been trying to ignore for so long, he can't not give her a straight answer. ]
Hah.... [ No words at first, just a drawn-out sigh. ] You're making this difficult.
[ Though he supposes his time of denying it can't last, or she'll never let it go. ]
... I concede.
[ His voice is quiet, for the first time. ]
no subject
I'm making this difficult? You're making it difficult for yourself. Are you happy as you are?
[ She waves a hand to encompass him in his entirety, his frigidness, his dedication to an empty perfection. She's seen passion hidden underneath a veneer of coldness like water simmering to keep from boiling, but to her, Tokiya is a frozen lake. Whatever happened to him encased him past the point of thawing. ]
What is it that you're conceding? What you lack? What you're not working on? Tell me.
[ Nonon doesn't know his life. She doesn't know his circumstances, so she also doesn't know what he does or doesn't understand. Admitting his problem is the first step, however. ]
no subject
It's not something he wants to do, not by a hundred miles. But the option to not do so, not after what she's already wrung out of him - it's starting to seem a little less favourable than the act itself. ]
Of course not. [ He's not happy as he is. Being trapped like this - she knows that he hated it, and he knows that she knows. ] I would have died if this kept on for too long. This feels like hell.
[ There, that's one step. Admitting exactly what was the problem. Or at least, how badly it was affecting him. ]
My mother signed a contract for me when I was young. It hasn't expired. I'm forced to do it, because it's too late to turn back. So I've tried my best to still live up to the expectations that were set for it. Not doing so would be to put my career at risk, when I go back - [ he didn't say if, because he believes he will ] - and I always do things to perfection.
[ However, he doesn't say it as confidently as he should have. Still committing himself to this charade is hurting him even here. ]
There is a chance that I can quit that job and move on to a new one, but that requires passing an audition, to show my unshadowed self. I'll concede that I haven't been able to take the risk and dedicate myself completely to it.
[ It's difficult, to balance that insecurity of flawed perfection with what he truly wants. For now, it's in favour of the former. ]
no subject
Nonon softens a little, barely and almost imperceptibly. She knows all too well how much parental influence can harden someone — for better or for worse. She breathes through her nose, a sigh of not quite resignation but something close to the beginning of acceptance. It'd be terrible to see such talent and potential die so early.
His contract is the first hurdle, but the next one is something she feels he can do something about. ]
So dedicate yourself! Dedicate yourself completely and perfectly for what you want, if it's what you want. Some things are worth dying for, and some rewards are worth the risk! Confront your shadows and your fears, and come out shining brighter than you ever have before.
[ He's still an idol, but when people with so much drive wilt, her emotions flare, the shadows of her high school graduation always in the back of her mind. ]
Don't cower if perfection is what you want to achieve. When does your contract expire?
no subject
But she doesn't. Even if she calls him a coward (in a way), he knows it's because she wants to see him succeed. ]
I can't promise a definite. [ He never does, because he knows how binding they are, and there is still a part of him that shys away from giving promises he can't deliver. ] But I can promise I'll try.
[ Maybe this was the wake-up call he'd always needed, coming from someone he grudgingly respects. It's starting to hurt less. ]
It expires a year after the time I left home. [ That's still a lot of time. ] But if I win the audition, I can quit in four months.
[ It's not significantly shorter, but it's something he's working towards. ]
no subject
She claps her hands together with a note of finality. ]
That's settled, then. You have a workable goal. Don't falter.
[ She'd rather hear something definite from Tokiya, but she's accepting what he's promising. It's better than his previous attitude, at least. ]
no subject
[ His reply comes swiftly after hers, without missing a beat. A part of him is relieved that she might be letting him off, so to speak - but he knows that he's going to have to dedicate himself to it. Properly, this time. After all, if he had the determination to attend school on top of his contract, this should not be impossible.
It should not be impossible. ]
... thanks.
[ Tokiya continues after a long moment, looking down for a second. ]
I'd suppose I need to get this out at some point. Please don't tell anyone else.
[ He's actually being deferential to her, which is something. ]
no subject
She raises her eyebrows. Thanks and deferential behavior aren't strange to her, but it's not something she expected from Tokiya. ]
Oh, my, how earnest. Who was I supposed to tell? Is your idol story supposed to be that juicy?
[ It's too bad Nonon's too much of a brat to make it completely easy for him. ]
no subject
It's personal. [ There is a reason why almost no one here knows save for five people. ] I hope you have a sense of basic respect for other people.
[ If not... well. He isn't quite sure how he's supposed to get back at her. ]
no subject
Well, we'll see. I don't see the point of spreading information like this for no reason, so don't give me a reason to.
[ She knows how to keep secrets even if she doesn't view this information as a secret so much as a less than ideal past with the emotional baggage to go with it. She likes needling, but she's upfront about it. ]
this has been such a good thread omfhg
I won't.
[ Because it seems like the only defense he would have against her, if it can even be called so. ]
... anything else you have to say to me?
[ He doesn't say this in an angry tone, though, merely flat and as a genuine question. ]
I LOVE THIS THREAD SFM despite my hideous slowness i'm so sorry
She shakes her head and waves a hand in dismissal. ]
No, let me know if anything changes for you. I'll leave you to find yourself.
guess who else is hideously slow, me
I will.
[ And a long pause later, ]
Thank you.