[He's pessimistic so soon. She's practical, but she knows that being too paranoid can lead to downfalls. It's why no matter how much she overthinks things, she still gives it a go.]
It hasn't happened yet. You do not have to fear it. Be conscious of it, yes, but don't let it hold you back.
[She tilts her head.] Aren't you worrying too far ahead? [She can't believe she's saying this.] Wouldn't it be nice for her to come in the first place? You can make plans after, organise your schedule again for work.
[ There, he said it. The ice is coming back, because he's trying not to show weakness and end this conversation nicely at tr same time. ]
She went to do something else with them. If they end up pulling her in again, then she won't have time to work with me.
[ It's something so very important to him. Not that he doesn't value the others' talents at all, but work is work. He's the only one that hasn't graduated at all. ]
I really don't understand. [It's not like it's not the truth.] I do not wish to make assumptions, and I really do not want to push you, but I feel like if you share it to someone, it might get it off your chest?
[He's worried, and he's trying to hide it, but as soon as the walls go up she knows it's worse than he's letting on. It's nothing simple: it's not just the relationships between his friends and this composer. It's not just his work either. It's all of that entwined. How would she be able to help him?]
I don't know them as well as you do. But if there's something important that you must do, I think they will understand. You just need to tell them. [This though, she speaks only of work.] They are professionals too, no? Schedules can be organised.
[ There is a very simple answer to all of this, one that he is aware of, but also terribly painful to acknowledge.
So he doesn't say it. ]
We'll see.
[ Even if Vietnam doesn't seem like the sort to judge him, it still feels like an admission of failure to say it directly. ]
If their version of her comes, then I won't have an issue with whatever they want to do. [ It's the wrong person, anyway. ] But if she comes from my time, then I won't stand interruptions.
[IT WOULD MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER but she can't stress that enough. She wants to, but how can she if she doesn't know the details.]
I will help you, if need be. Though I feel like this is something that you should do.
[Talk to them himself. Never mind that she would be able to organise a schedule for them, but she has a feeling that if Tokiya doesn't do it himself, he won't get over it.]
Tokiya, I know you're setting boundaries here with how she will remember, which is admirable that you left an option to concede. [She rubs the back of her head.] But is this for your debut?
[ His answer comes sharp and clipped, almost instinctive. ]
I cannot continue pretending to be him anymore. I will debut again as my true self.
[ Indicating the CD with a thumb, which he regards with a split second of calculated distaste before returning his attention to her. ]
I will do anything to ensure this happens.
[ Even if he has to juggle two lives at once, lie to everyone he's known, and work himself to the brink of exhaustion. Anything, to shed the persona that had caged him in.
Logically, he had to ensure his means of escape had to be protected. Which was his composer and her music. ]
[So it is important, and something to do with his debut. In which case, she feels like he shouldn't set boundaries.]
Then even if it is not the same version of your composer, I believe you still must request for her to compose you a song for your debut.
[Wait a second this is way more professional than these emotional boys make it sound. She understands he wants to respect that they are not the same. In her mind, they have the same skills, and the same personality. They are the same. She's been here long enough to know this happens.]
The others already have, no? They will understand that this is essential for your progression as well. This way you will be free of him. I know you are honourable enough to respect boundaries. But as a professional with dreams, sometimes you must make these requests. You will not feel at peace until you do.
Their circumstance was different from mine. They could debut as a group, I have to do it as an individual.
[ Which isn't fair - but then again, then him from that timeline probsbly got a free pass. However, it did nothing to showcase his own superior abilities. He had to share the spotlight with five others, of course the quality is nowhere as good. ]
I will not feel at peace having to work with something less than perfect. Her attention would already have been diverted to other people, the ability is not there. I trained the correct version of her for months.
[ Stage cues, performance knowledge - he drilled her until she knew the ins and outs of every performance. Would the other version have the same skills? He doubts it. ]
I cannot work with someone who does not have the prerequisite skills.
[Tokiya needs to be less critical, because there is something bugging her about the way he's separating the two.]
The situations are different, but it does not mean things are different. However you all make your decisions are reminiscent of what your personalities are like. You only made such decisions because of different circumstances. A person does not become a completely different person if placed into something that wasn't the same.
[Her fists clench at how he mentions that this will be less than perfect, how this composer is not the correct version. What is she then?]
Are you saying you do not trust this girl? Is this how you treat her? Just your composer? Anything different and you do not trust her? [And there it shows, what has been bugging her the whole time he started. She huffs.] Tokiya. What you are telling me now, is that your respect for her boundaries is not for her, it's for yourself? Are you saying that you are willing to discard anything, including her, if it is less than perfect?
[ He has to make a decision now - continue avoiding the topic and possibly incur Vietnam's wrath, or try to own up and rescue his reputation. It really isn't what she thinks it is, which makes saying it all the more difficult. ]
People do not just make decisions based off personalities. Memories of past interactions are also important. [ That night in August first comes to mind. Then, as the months passed, his own memories became more and more painful. ] We won't have the same relationship anymore, especially with the others around. It's different.
[ To have someone he not only could work with, but trust more than what he usually gave others... that sort of thing can't be replicated. She knew what he wanted to express with his music without having to ask. How does one rebuild that sort of closeness with so many other things in the way? ]
I value her happiness, and that comes from her interactions with other people too. It's better if I just leave her be.
[That's right, he better tell her details. At the moment, the normally patient Vietnam is feeling the burdens of what she hates: impatience. Her nerves are getting tested, she's feeling the weight of a couple of months of dancing around this topic and her constant worrying of him.
Keep calm, keep calm...first thing she does was take his cd to put it neatly on his desk.]
You are selfish.
[Wait what? He just expressed how he valued her happiness. He will leave her alone if she wants to interact with other people. They don't have the same relationship anymore.
Vietnam slams a hand down on the desk, the other resting on her hip, and she stares at him, her entire demeanor cracking.] You don't trust her enough, and you don't trust yourself enough. I don't hear anything about how you will let her decide for herself if she wants you to stay away. Don't be so weak.
[She finally realises what just happened and her eyes widen, is she being too harsh? Vietnam takes a deep breath before she exhales, trying to relax her tone.]
[ He says nothing at first, bearing the full brunt of her accusations. This isn't new, after all. Except that the person calling him out right now is someone worth listening to, so he has to give at least some sort of acknowledgement.
So what if he was? He had to take initiative to do things and mark boundaries, before he gets pressed into yet another unnecessary engagement.
You don't trust yourself enough. ]
I can't.
[ It's for her own good, he tells himself. To trust her more would be to bring them closer together, and he cannot allow that. To choose between his feelings and his goals, the latter own without question. So he has to take measures, to make sure it wasn't lost. It's for her own good, too. If they broke the rules, both of them would be punished at the same time.
He didn't have much to live for, but she still had possibility. ]
Relationships are banned in the Academy. I'm just taking steps to make sure that rule isn't broken.
[ Yes, it's lonely. But he could deal with it, he's always been lonely. ]
If I have to do this to ensure we can still graduate without problems, then so be it.
[She's beginning to realise that he's actually pretty nasty. But at the same time he's still nice. He's always been nice to her. It probably is what frustrates her more, honestly.
Why can't he just trust himself more? He can't see it. But she can, because despite him criticising himself, he has never done anything to her that made her doubt him. She believes he can do it.
Also who the fuck bans relationships in schools, modern times can't make up their own minds. She gives up there so she's not going to even address it.]
You can wait. You already have that resolve. [It's deeper, as she had always suspected.] But you don't have to close yourself up. [She looks visibly upset about this, and she tries to laugh it away. But everyone knows she can't force herself to laugh.]
Tokiya, have you been drowning yourself in such thoughts all alone? [Yet he was telling her this.]
[ He's always been capable, that isn't debatable. Academics, performances, even just menial work - he could do anything. He had the discipline and focus to do so. But how does one apply reason to emotions? Even for such a practiced liar as he was, he couldn't completely cut off his own feelings. And it hurt.
Of course, it was something he never showed, because no one must know. He was good at keeping secrets, even painful ones. ]
It was never necessary to bring it up.
[ There wasn't anyone he trusted enough to tell, anyway. ]
It's my personal problem. I will handle it on my own.
[She would be touched that he told her, though she's not sure why. Part of her doesn't think it's because he does trust her, whether they realise it or not, because she never had a chance to make the comparison. She thinks she's pressuring him, and she hopes this doesn't hurt him more.
But he needs to get it out if he wants to start accepting himself.
It's time for one of her specialty hugs: the awkward Voldemort hug. Only because she actually sucks at initiating a hug but she feels like it will help him remember he's not alone. At least not here, and he can bring that strength back home. Suck it up, Tokiya, she knows how you feel about physical contact (she's the same, that's why this hug SUCKS.) But she still tries to wrap her arms around his shoulders and pat him on the back.]
I learned the hard way that we can't handle everything on our own. Now that you have brought it up, I hope that you will depend on me. While I can do nothing concerning your relationship, as those are decisions you must make yourself, I will be here for you to remind you that you need not cut everything off.
You deserve to be happy, even if you can't see it yourself.
[ He tenses up when she hugs him, though it's more by instinct than anything else. She might be able to tell that he never properly relaxes anymore.
What she says is harder to take in, though. It went against how he usually handled things, which had served him reasonably well up till now. There is still a part of him that doesn't want to let that go. ]
I'll think about it.
[ Deserving to be happy isn't a judgment that other people can make, anyway. ]
[It's how he tensed up which made her raise her eyebrows. He didn't pull away, or react other than that. He's just...looking like he usually does. So she relaxes instead, arms no longer stiff as she rubs his back (and because no one sees), knowing full well that this idiot suffers more than he lets out. That cool exterior hides something a lot more fiery.
And yet he still denies himself of any changes. But she knows it's hard to just change. It'll take some time anyway.]
[ She is completely right in this aspect. He hides a greater emotional intensity that others would expect - to the extent of having terrifying tranquil fury when truly angered. Unsurprisingly, it involved Haruka being kidnapped.
Tokiya almost snorts when she replies. ]
Did you expect me to refuse?
[ He folds his arms, though it's more out of habit than anything else. ]
[Basically, he's just like her...only she's had more chances to think things through. Surprisingly emotional at the best of times. Although lately she feels like people are picking up on that.
He sounds a little amused though, or maybe he's challenging her. Either way--]
Ah, you can be very stubborn. I was prepared to try to convince you a little more. I am glad you're giving it a chance by considering it, at least. This is not something you can change just like that, so I understand.
[ Of course it would. It was what he was working towards to, after all.
He takes the CD in silence, steel blue eyes resting on the cover for a few moments before he returns his attention to the conversation and taps it with one neatly manicured nail. ]
She likes him. A great deal.
[ So he can't still be sure whether Haruka liked him only because of his persona, or otherwise. ]
[She wants a copy!! A first press edition, so then she'd be able to say she got it. And a normal one just so she can listen to it. Don't worry, being Japan and Taiwan's sibling has taught her how to do all this fan stuff.
She looks at "him" first, being the man on the cover of the CD. Now, as she never actually seen HAYATO do his work, all she has to go by is what she heard on his CD.
The context is now completely muddled up for her, because unlike all of Japan (therefore Haruka), Vietnam encountered Tokiya first. It's why she could easily say she likes Tokiya more than HAYATO.]
I see, her inspiration? But now she writes music for you, no? [It all goes full circle.] Does she understand you as "Tokiya"?
[ You're going to get so much of your money sucked out of you by idol hell, Vietnam. But then again, she has a lot of money in the first place, so it shouldn't be a problem. ]
... it's what I'd like to believe.
[ The question troubled him greatly during the earlier months, the answer to which he obtained by changing persona and talking to her as Hayato instead.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I wouldn't be so sure about that.
[ Of course, the more important thing is: ]
If she comes, they'll get into the way of work.
[ Especially if she's the wrong one too. ]
no subject
It hasn't happened yet. You do not have to fear it. Be conscious of it, yes, but don't let it hold you back.
[She tilts her head.] Aren't you worrying too far ahead? [She can't believe she's saying this.] Wouldn't it be nice for her to come in the first place? You can make plans after, organise your schedule again for work.
no subject
[ There, he said it. The ice is coming back, because he's trying not to show weakness and end this conversation nicely at tr same time. ]
She went to do something else with them. If they end up pulling her in again, then she won't have time to work with me.
[ It's something so very important to him. Not that he doesn't value the others' talents at all, but work is work. He's the only one that hasn't graduated at all. ]
no subject
[He's worried, and he's trying to hide it, but as soon as the walls go up she knows it's worse than he's letting on. It's nothing simple: it's not just the relationships between his friends and this composer. It's not just his work either. It's all of that entwined. How would she be able to help him?]
I don't know them as well as you do. But if there's something important that you must do, I think they will understand. You just need to tell them. [This though, she speaks only of work.] They are professionals too, no? Schedules can be organised.
no subject
So he doesn't say it. ]
We'll see.
[ Even if Vietnam doesn't seem like the sort to judge him, it still feels like an admission of failure to say it directly. ]
If their version of her comes, then I won't have an issue with whatever they want to do. [ It's the wrong person, anyway. ] But if she comes from my time, then I won't stand interruptions.
no subject
I will help you, if need be. Though I feel like this is something that you should do.
[Talk to them himself. Never mind that she would be able to organise a schedule for them, but she has a feeling that if Tokiya doesn't do it himself, he won't get over it.]
Tokiya, I know you're setting boundaries here with how she will remember, which is admirable that you left an option to concede. [She rubs the back of her head.] But is this for your debut?
no subject
[ His answer comes sharp and clipped, almost instinctive. ]
I cannot continue pretending to be him anymore. I will debut again as my true self.
[ Indicating the CD with a thumb, which he regards with a split second of calculated distaste before returning his attention to her. ]
I will do anything to ensure this happens.
[ Even if he has to juggle two lives at once, lie to everyone he's known, and work himself to the brink of exhaustion. Anything, to shed the persona that had caged him in.
Logically, he had to ensure his means of escape had to be protected. Which was his composer and her music. ]
no subject
Then even if it is not the same version of your composer, I believe you still must request for her to compose you a song for your debut.
[Wait a second this is way more professional than these emotional boys make it sound. She understands he wants to respect that they are not the same. In her mind, they have the same skills, and the same personality. They are the same. She's been here long enough to know this happens.]
The others already have, no? They will understand that this is essential for your progression as well. This way you will be free of him. I know you are honourable enough to respect boundaries. But as a professional with dreams, sometimes you must make these requests. You will not feel at peace until you do.
no subject
Their circumstance was different from mine. They could debut as a group, I have to do it as an individual.
[ Which isn't fair - but then again, then him from that timeline probsbly got a free pass. However, it did nothing to showcase his own superior abilities. He had to share the spotlight with five others, of course the quality is nowhere as good. ]
I will not feel at peace having to work with something less than perfect. Her attention would already have been diverted to other people, the ability is not there. I trained the correct version of her for months.
[ Stage cues, performance knowledge - he drilled her until she knew the ins and outs of every performance. Would the other version have the same skills? He doubts it. ]
I cannot work with someone who does not have the prerequisite skills.
no subject
The situations are different, but it does not mean things are different. However you all make your decisions are reminiscent of what your personalities are like. You only made such decisions because of different circumstances. A person does not become a completely different person if placed into something that wasn't the same.
[Her fists clench at how he mentions that this will be less than perfect, how this composer is not the correct version. What is she then?]
Are you saying you do not trust this girl? Is this how you treat her? Just your composer? Anything different and you do not trust her? [And there it shows, what has been bugging her the whole time he started. She huffs.] Tokiya. What you are telling me now, is that your respect for her boundaries is not for her, it's for yourself? Are you saying that you are willing to discard anything, including her, if it is less than perfect?
no subject
[ He has to make a decision now - continue avoiding the topic and possibly incur Vietnam's wrath, or try to own up and rescue his reputation. It really isn't what she thinks it is, which makes saying it all the more difficult. ]
People do not just make decisions based off personalities. Memories of past interactions are also important. [ That night in August first comes to mind. Then, as the months passed, his own memories became more and more painful. ] We won't have the same relationship anymore, especially with the others around. It's different.
[ To have someone he not only could work with, but trust more than what he usually gave others... that sort of thing can't be replicated. She knew what he wanted to express with his music without having to ask. How does one rebuild that sort of closeness with so many other things in the way? ]
I value her happiness, and that comes from her interactions with other people too. It's better if I just leave her be.
no subject
Keep calm, keep calm...first thing she does was take his cd to put it neatly on his desk.]
You are selfish.
[Wait what? He just expressed how he valued her happiness. He will leave her alone if she wants to interact with other people. They don't have the same relationship anymore.
Vietnam slams a hand down on the desk, the other resting on her hip, and she stares at him, her entire demeanor cracking.] You don't trust her enough, and you don't trust yourself enough. I don't hear anything about how you will let her decide for herself if she wants you to stay away. Don't be so weak.
[She finally realises what just happened and her eyes widen, is she being too harsh? Vietnam takes a deep breath before she exhales, trying to relax her tone.]
It's lonely, Tokiya.
no subject
So what if he was? He had to take initiative to do things and mark boundaries, before he gets pressed into yet another unnecessary engagement.
You don't trust yourself enough. ]
I can't.
[ It's for her own good, he tells himself. To trust her more would be to bring them closer together, and he cannot allow that. To choose between his feelings and his goals, the latter own without question. So he has to take measures, to make sure it wasn't lost. It's for her own good, too. If they broke the rules, both of them would be punished at the same time.
He didn't have much to live for, but she still had possibility. ]
Relationships are banned in the Academy. I'm just taking steps to make sure that rule isn't broken.
[ Yes, it's lonely. But he could deal with it, he's always been lonely. ]
If I have to do this to ensure we can still graduate without problems, then so be it.
no subject
Why can't he just trust himself more? He can't see it. But she can, because despite him criticising himself, he has never done anything to her that made her doubt him. She believes he can do it.
Also who the fuck bans relationships in schools, modern times can't make up their own minds. She gives up there so she's not going to even address it.]
You can wait. You already have that resolve. [It's deeper, as she had always suspected.] But you don't have to close yourself up. [She looks visibly upset about this, and she tries to laugh it away. But everyone knows she can't force herself to laugh.]
Tokiya, have you been drowning yourself in such thoughts all alone? [Yet he was telling her this.]
no subject
Of course, it was something he never showed, because no one must know. He was good at keeping secrets, even painful ones. ]
It was never necessary to bring it up.
[ There wasn't anyone he trusted enough to tell, anyway. ]
It's my personal problem. I will handle it on my own.
no subject
But he needs to get it out if he wants to start accepting himself.
It's time for one of her specialty hugs: the awkward Voldemort hug. Only because she actually sucks at initiating a hug but she feels like it will help him remember he's not alone. At least not here, and he can bring that strength back home. Suck it up, Tokiya, she knows how you feel about physical contact (she's the same, that's why this hug SUCKS.) But she still tries to wrap her arms around his shoulders and pat him on the back.]
I learned the hard way that we can't handle everything on our own. Now that you have brought it up, I hope that you will depend on me. While I can do nothing concerning your relationship, as those are decisions you must make yourself, I will be here for you to remind you that you need not cut everything off.
You deserve to be happy, even if you can't see it yourself.
no subject
What she says is harder to take in, though. It went against how he usually handled things, which had served him reasonably well up till now. There is still a part of him that doesn't want to let that go. ]
I'll think about it.
[ Deserving to be happy isn't a judgment that other people can make, anyway. ]
no subject
And yet he still denies himself of any changes. But she knows it's hard to just change. It'll take some time anyway.]
At least you didn't say no.
no subject
Tokiya almost snorts when she replies. ]
Did you expect me to refuse?
[ He folds his arms, though it's more out of habit than anything else. ]
no subject
He sounds a little amused though, or maybe he's challenging her. Either way--]
Ah, you can be very stubborn. I was prepared to try to convince you a little more. I am glad you're giving it a chance by considering it, at least. This is not something you can change just like that, so I understand.
no subject
Hm.
[ Really, it's awkward to be admitting this, even if he's trying very hard not to show it. ]
... are you going to give that back to me?
[ You know. The CD. ]
no subject
She actually looks at him quite curiously, because he's...there's something going on?]
Hmm...? Oh!
[She quickly hands him the CD again.] Here you are. It will be nice to see a CD with "Tokiya" on the cover one day.
no subject
He takes the CD in silence, steel blue eyes resting on the cover for a few moments before he returns his attention to the conversation and taps it with one neatly manicured nail. ]
She likes him. A great deal.
[ So he can't still be sure whether Haruka liked him only because of his persona, or otherwise. ]
no subject
She looks at "him" first, being the man on the cover of the CD. Now, as she never actually seen HAYATO do his work, all she has to go by is what she heard on his CD.
The context is now completely muddled up for her, because unlike all of Japan (therefore Haruka), Vietnam encountered Tokiya first. It's why she could easily say she likes Tokiya more than HAYATO.]
I see, her inspiration? But now she writes music for you, no? [It all goes full circle.] Does she understand you as "Tokiya"?
no subject
... it's what I'd like to believe.
[ The question troubled him greatly during the earlier months, the answer to which he obtained by changing persona and talking to her as Hayato instead.
But still... ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)