[UGH WHY DOES SHE KEEP SAVING HIM she's going to stuff him under her bed.
She was about to help catch the paper, but it looks like he got it first. However his reaction was so rushed that it confused her. Wouldn't you usually try to read it? She tilts her head in confusion.]
[WOW!!! She'll lift the bed first before she slides him under it. Then put it back on top of him. She'll also give him a blanket and a pillow.
Also she might be gullible, but she's not stupid. IT'S PINK, MAN.]
I've been meaning to ask you something, but it might be a little personal. [Which is why she's beginning to fiddle with the ends of her ponytail. Because it could be too personal.]
I've noticed that certain things make you act...erratically? I'm not entirely sure how to describe it. And I do not mean it in a bad way. Just that you're...hiding from something? [She's noticed the notebook, noticed this, and noticed how he cuts some conversation off when they head into various territories. But it seems to make him uncomfortable. It could link with why she feels like she can't leave him alone.] Ah, it's hard to put it into words...
[ That is one of the worst questions you could have asked someone as private and used to secrecy as he is.
If this was anyone else, he might have just given them a sharp evasive answer and just leave. But this is Vietnam who asked, someone whom he could respect - and the way she asked it carried no ill will.
Still, he can't answer directly. ]
It's inconsequential.
[ This is what he always tells himself, anyway. As long as he doesn't think or talk about it, it would be fine. Here, it served more as a distraction than anything else. ]
[You mean the best question. She understands privacy. She also understands when it becomes a Problem.
Somehow, she's been getting away with all his abrasiveness though, and he's just avoiding the question. Tokiya if you keep doing this to her, she'll keep thinking you're not an asshole.]
I won't push, but I just feel like what it is you think is inconsequential might be more important than you believe. Perhaps just sorting through that might also help you too. Even for your career purposes.
[ It's like what he told to Chiyo. No use fretting over something you can't change.
And yet, the concept of letting go of a secret is naturally appealing. It is appealing because the human soul is ultimately weak, and he needs to be stronger than that. No one needs to see him being affected by such a small thing. ]
It isn't something that can be changed, so there's no purpose in thinking about it.
[ Does he trust her enough to tell her? That's still not a decision he's prepared to make. ]
[She doesn't care so much if he doesn't change, she doesn't want him to hurt himself!!
Of course, to keep him safe, this might mean he has to work out his issues instead of hiding them. It might mean revealing secrets. If he could overcome that, he'll be stronger. That's what she believes, anyway.]
I think if you come to terms with it, it might help you? It's like accepting yourself even if you can't change it.
[ He's perfectly fine with staying as it is. It's not her problem anyway. ]
I already have.
[ Sure, accepting that a whole other timeline exists where Haruka gets loaded down with obligations to less capable people and he has to put up with even more bullshit took some time, but he's done it. It only means he needs to take matters into his own hands in case his partner comes over and there is resultant confusion. Clearly a flawless plan.
He can hold out until she does. Of course he can. ]
[Her eye twitches at that, because she does understand how it's like to be with friends from strange timelines, even though they share the same world.]
Are you talking about yourself? It might seem strange to you since the Landlord did make everything confusing, but they still think of you as one and the same.
[He's pessimistic so soon. She's practical, but she knows that being too paranoid can lead to downfalls. It's why no matter how much she overthinks things, she still gives it a go.]
It hasn't happened yet. You do not have to fear it. Be conscious of it, yes, but don't let it hold you back.
[She tilts her head.] Aren't you worrying too far ahead? [She can't believe she's saying this.] Wouldn't it be nice for her to come in the first place? You can make plans after, organise your schedule again for work.
[ There, he said it. The ice is coming back, because he's trying not to show weakness and end this conversation nicely at tr same time. ]
She went to do something else with them. If they end up pulling her in again, then she won't have time to work with me.
[ It's something so very important to him. Not that he doesn't value the others' talents at all, but work is work. He's the only one that hasn't graduated at all. ]
I really don't understand. [It's not like it's not the truth.] I do not wish to make assumptions, and I really do not want to push you, but I feel like if you share it to someone, it might get it off your chest?
[He's worried, and he's trying to hide it, but as soon as the walls go up she knows it's worse than he's letting on. It's nothing simple: it's not just the relationships between his friends and this composer. It's not just his work either. It's all of that entwined. How would she be able to help him?]
I don't know them as well as you do. But if there's something important that you must do, I think they will understand. You just need to tell them. [This though, she speaks only of work.] They are professionals too, no? Schedules can be organised.
[ There is a very simple answer to all of this, one that he is aware of, but also terribly painful to acknowledge.
So he doesn't say it. ]
We'll see.
[ Even if Vietnam doesn't seem like the sort to judge him, it still feels like an admission of failure to say it directly. ]
If their version of her comes, then I won't have an issue with whatever they want to do. [ It's the wrong person, anyway. ] But if she comes from my time, then I won't stand interruptions.
[IT WOULD MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER but she can't stress that enough. She wants to, but how can she if she doesn't know the details.]
I will help you, if need be. Though I feel like this is something that you should do.
[Talk to them himself. Never mind that she would be able to organise a schedule for them, but she has a feeling that if Tokiya doesn't do it himself, he won't get over it.]
Tokiya, I know you're setting boundaries here with how she will remember, which is admirable that you left an option to concede. [She rubs the back of her head.] But is this for your debut?
[ His answer comes sharp and clipped, almost instinctive. ]
I cannot continue pretending to be him anymore. I will debut again as my true self.
[ Indicating the CD with a thumb, which he regards with a split second of calculated distaste before returning his attention to her. ]
I will do anything to ensure this happens.
[ Even if he has to juggle two lives at once, lie to everyone he's known, and work himself to the brink of exhaustion. Anything, to shed the persona that had caged him in.
Logically, he had to ensure his means of escape had to be protected. Which was his composer and her music. ]
[So it is important, and something to do with his debut. In which case, she feels like he shouldn't set boundaries.]
Then even if it is not the same version of your composer, I believe you still must request for her to compose you a song for your debut.
[Wait a second this is way more professional than these emotional boys make it sound. She understands he wants to respect that they are not the same. In her mind, they have the same skills, and the same personality. They are the same. She's been here long enough to know this happens.]
The others already have, no? They will understand that this is essential for your progression as well. This way you will be free of him. I know you are honourable enough to respect boundaries. But as a professional with dreams, sometimes you must make these requests. You will not feel at peace until you do.
Their circumstance was different from mine. They could debut as a group, I have to do it as an individual.
[ Which isn't fair - but then again, then him from that timeline probsbly got a free pass. However, it did nothing to showcase his own superior abilities. He had to share the spotlight with five others, of course the quality is nowhere as good. ]
I will not feel at peace having to work with something less than perfect. Her attention would already have been diverted to other people, the ability is not there. I trained the correct version of her for months.
[ Stage cues, performance knowledge - he drilled her until she knew the ins and outs of every performance. Would the other version have the same skills? He doubts it. ]
I cannot work with someone who does not have the prerequisite skills.
[Tokiya needs to be less critical, because there is something bugging her about the way he's separating the two.]
The situations are different, but it does not mean things are different. However you all make your decisions are reminiscent of what your personalities are like. You only made such decisions because of different circumstances. A person does not become a completely different person if placed into something that wasn't the same.
[Her fists clench at how he mentions that this will be less than perfect, how this composer is not the correct version. What is she then?]
Are you saying you do not trust this girl? Is this how you treat her? Just your composer? Anything different and you do not trust her? [And there it shows, what has been bugging her the whole time he started. She huffs.] Tokiya. What you are telling me now, is that your respect for her boundaries is not for her, it's for yourself? Are you saying that you are willing to discard anything, including her, if it is less than perfect?
[ He has to make a decision now - continue avoiding the topic and possibly incur Vietnam's wrath, or try to own up and rescue his reputation. It really isn't what she thinks it is, which makes saying it all the more difficult. ]
People do not just make decisions based off personalities. Memories of past interactions are also important. [ That night in August first comes to mind. Then, as the months passed, his own memories became more and more painful. ] We won't have the same relationship anymore, especially with the others around. It's different.
[ To have someone he not only could work with, but trust more than what he usually gave others... that sort of thing can't be replicated. She knew what he wanted to express with his music without having to ask. How does one rebuild that sort of closeness with so many other things in the way? ]
I value her happiness, and that comes from her interactions with other people too. It's better if I just leave her be.
[That's right, he better tell her details. At the moment, the normally patient Vietnam is feeling the burdens of what she hates: impatience. Her nerves are getting tested, she's feeling the weight of a couple of months of dancing around this topic and her constant worrying of him.
Keep calm, keep calm...first thing she does was take his cd to put it neatly on his desk.]
You are selfish.
[Wait what? He just expressed how he valued her happiness. He will leave her alone if she wants to interact with other people. They don't have the same relationship anymore.
Vietnam slams a hand down on the desk, the other resting on her hip, and she stares at him, her entire demeanor cracking.] You don't trust her enough, and you don't trust yourself enough. I don't hear anything about how you will let her decide for herself if she wants you to stay away. Don't be so weak.
[She finally realises what just happened and her eyes widen, is she being too harsh? Vietnam takes a deep breath before she exhales, trying to relax her tone.]
[ He says nothing at first, bearing the full brunt of her accusations. This isn't new, after all. Except that the person calling him out right now is someone worth listening to, so he has to give at least some sort of acknowledgement.
So what if he was? He had to take initiative to do things and mark boundaries, before he gets pressed into yet another unnecessary engagement.
You don't trust yourself enough. ]
I can't.
[ It's for her own good, he tells himself. To trust her more would be to bring them closer together, and he cannot allow that. To choose between his feelings and his goals, the latter own without question. So he has to take measures, to make sure it wasn't lost. It's for her own good, too. If they broke the rules, both of them would be punished at the same time.
He didn't have much to live for, but she still had possibility. ]
Relationships are banned in the Academy. I'm just taking steps to make sure that rule isn't broken.
[ Yes, it's lonely. But he could deal with it, he's always been lonely. ]
If I have to do this to ensure we can still graduate without problems, then so be it.
[She's beginning to realise that he's actually pretty nasty. But at the same time he's still nice. He's always been nice to her. It probably is what frustrates her more, honestly.
Why can't he just trust himself more? He can't see it. But she can, because despite him criticising himself, he has never done anything to her that made her doubt him. She believes he can do it.
Also who the fuck bans relationships in schools, modern times can't make up their own minds. She gives up there so she's not going to even address it.]
You can wait. You already have that resolve. [It's deeper, as she had always suspected.] But you don't have to close yourself up. [She looks visibly upset about this, and she tries to laugh it away. But everyone knows she can't force herself to laugh.]
Tokiya, have you been drowning yourself in such thoughts all alone? [Yet he was telling her this.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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She was about to help catch the paper, but it looks like he got it first. However his reaction was so rushed that it confused her. Wouldn't you usually try to read it? She tilts her head in confusion.]
Tokiya?
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Yes?
[ Clearly, there's nothing interesting about the paper at all, that's why he put it back in. Surely it couldn't be written by someone he knows.
no he's a really bad liar when it comes to this ]
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Also she might be gullible, but she's not stupid. IT'S PINK, MAN.]
I've been meaning to ask you something, but it might be a little personal. [Which is why she's beginning to fiddle with the ends of her ponytail. Because it could be too personal.]
I've noticed that certain things make you act...erratically? I'm not entirely sure how to describe it. And I do not mean it in a bad way. Just that you're...hiding from something? [She's noticed the notebook, noticed this, and noticed how he cuts some conversation off when they head into various territories. But it seems to make him uncomfortable. It could link with why she feels like she can't leave him alone.] Ah, it's hard to put it into words...
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If this was anyone else, he might have just given them a sharp evasive answer and just leave. But this is Vietnam who asked, someone whom he could respect - and the way she asked it carried no ill will.
Still, he can't answer directly. ]
It's inconsequential.
[ This is what he always tells himself, anyway. As long as he doesn't think or talk about it, it would be fine. Here, it served more as a distraction than anything else. ]
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Somehow, she's been getting away with all his abrasiveness though, and he's just avoiding the question. Tokiya if you keep doing this to her, she'll keep thinking you're not an asshole.]
I won't push, but I just feel like what it is you think is inconsequential might be more important than you believe. Perhaps just sorting through that might also help you too. Even for your career purposes.
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And yet, the concept of letting go of a secret is naturally appealing. It is appealing because the human soul is ultimately weak, and he needs to be stronger than that. No one needs to see him being affected by such a small thing. ]
It isn't something that can be changed, so there's no purpose in thinking about it.
[ Does he trust her enough to tell her? That's still not a decision he's prepared to make. ]
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Of course, to keep him safe, this might mean he has to work out his issues instead of hiding them. It might mean revealing secrets. If he could overcome that, he'll be stronger. That's what she believes, anyway.]
I think if you come to terms with it, it might help you? It's like accepting yourself even if you can't change it.
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I already have.
[ Sure, accepting that a whole other timeline exists where Haruka gets loaded down with obligations to less capable people and he has to put up with even more bullshit took some time, but he's done it. It only means he needs to take matters into his own hands in case his partner comes over and there is resultant confusion. Clearly a flawless plan.
He can hold out until she does. Of course he can. ]
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I see... [But why does he still look so tense? And not in the way that means he's just cool.]
Is it uncomfortable here?
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[ Well, she knows, right? That his friends from home here didn't really know him at all? ]
They're probably looking for someone else, anyway. I'm just a replacement until he gets here.
[ Very disgusting. ]
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Are you talking about yourself? It might seem strange to you since the Landlord did make everything confusing, but they still think of you as one and the same.
[This again, she gets from Natsuki.]
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I wouldn't be so sure about that.
[ Of course, the more important thing is: ]
If she comes, they'll get into the way of work.
[ Especially if she's the wrong one too. ]
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It hasn't happened yet. You do not have to fear it. Be conscious of it, yes, but don't let it hold you back.
[She tilts her head.] Aren't you worrying too far ahead? [She can't believe she's saying this.] Wouldn't it be nice for her to come in the first place? You can make plans after, organise your schedule again for work.
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[ There, he said it. The ice is coming back, because he's trying not to show weakness and end this conversation nicely at tr same time. ]
She went to do something else with them. If they end up pulling her in again, then she won't have time to work with me.
[ It's something so very important to him. Not that he doesn't value the others' talents at all, but work is work. He's the only one that hasn't graduated at all. ]
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[He's worried, and he's trying to hide it, but as soon as the walls go up she knows it's worse than he's letting on. It's nothing simple: it's not just the relationships between his friends and this composer. It's not just his work either. It's all of that entwined. How would she be able to help him?]
I don't know them as well as you do. But if there's something important that you must do, I think they will understand. You just need to tell them. [This though, she speaks only of work.] They are professionals too, no? Schedules can be organised.
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So he doesn't say it. ]
We'll see.
[ Even if Vietnam doesn't seem like the sort to judge him, it still feels like an admission of failure to say it directly. ]
If their version of her comes, then I won't have an issue with whatever they want to do. [ It's the wrong person, anyway. ] But if she comes from my time, then I won't stand interruptions.
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I will help you, if need be. Though I feel like this is something that you should do.
[Talk to them himself. Never mind that she would be able to organise a schedule for them, but she has a feeling that if Tokiya doesn't do it himself, he won't get over it.]
Tokiya, I know you're setting boundaries here with how she will remember, which is admirable that you left an option to concede. [She rubs the back of her head.] But is this for your debut?
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[ His answer comes sharp and clipped, almost instinctive. ]
I cannot continue pretending to be him anymore. I will debut again as my true self.
[ Indicating the CD with a thumb, which he regards with a split second of calculated distaste before returning his attention to her. ]
I will do anything to ensure this happens.
[ Even if he has to juggle two lives at once, lie to everyone he's known, and work himself to the brink of exhaustion. Anything, to shed the persona that had caged him in.
Logically, he had to ensure his means of escape had to be protected. Which was his composer and her music. ]
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Then even if it is not the same version of your composer, I believe you still must request for her to compose you a song for your debut.
[Wait a second this is way more professional than these emotional boys make it sound. She understands he wants to respect that they are not the same. In her mind, they have the same skills, and the same personality. They are the same. She's been here long enough to know this happens.]
The others already have, no? They will understand that this is essential for your progression as well. This way you will be free of him. I know you are honourable enough to respect boundaries. But as a professional with dreams, sometimes you must make these requests. You will not feel at peace until you do.
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Their circumstance was different from mine. They could debut as a group, I have to do it as an individual.
[ Which isn't fair - but then again, then him from that timeline probsbly got a free pass. However, it did nothing to showcase his own superior abilities. He had to share the spotlight with five others, of course the quality is nowhere as good. ]
I will not feel at peace having to work with something less than perfect. Her attention would already have been diverted to other people, the ability is not there. I trained the correct version of her for months.
[ Stage cues, performance knowledge - he drilled her until she knew the ins and outs of every performance. Would the other version have the same skills? He doubts it. ]
I cannot work with someone who does not have the prerequisite skills.
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The situations are different, but it does not mean things are different. However you all make your decisions are reminiscent of what your personalities are like. You only made such decisions because of different circumstances. A person does not become a completely different person if placed into something that wasn't the same.
[Her fists clench at how he mentions that this will be less than perfect, how this composer is not the correct version. What is she then?]
Are you saying you do not trust this girl? Is this how you treat her? Just your composer? Anything different and you do not trust her? [And there it shows, what has been bugging her the whole time he started. She huffs.] Tokiya. What you are telling me now, is that your respect for her boundaries is not for her, it's for yourself? Are you saying that you are willing to discard anything, including her, if it is less than perfect?
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[ He has to make a decision now - continue avoiding the topic and possibly incur Vietnam's wrath, or try to own up and rescue his reputation. It really isn't what she thinks it is, which makes saying it all the more difficult. ]
People do not just make decisions based off personalities. Memories of past interactions are also important. [ That night in August first comes to mind. Then, as the months passed, his own memories became more and more painful. ] We won't have the same relationship anymore, especially with the others around. It's different.
[ To have someone he not only could work with, but trust more than what he usually gave others... that sort of thing can't be replicated. She knew what he wanted to express with his music without having to ask. How does one rebuild that sort of closeness with so many other things in the way? ]
I value her happiness, and that comes from her interactions with other people too. It's better if I just leave her be.
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Keep calm, keep calm...first thing she does was take his cd to put it neatly on his desk.]
You are selfish.
[Wait what? He just expressed how he valued her happiness. He will leave her alone if she wants to interact with other people. They don't have the same relationship anymore.
Vietnam slams a hand down on the desk, the other resting on her hip, and she stares at him, her entire demeanor cracking.] You don't trust her enough, and you don't trust yourself enough. I don't hear anything about how you will let her decide for herself if she wants you to stay away. Don't be so weak.
[She finally realises what just happened and her eyes widen, is she being too harsh? Vietnam takes a deep breath before she exhales, trying to relax her tone.]
It's lonely, Tokiya.
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So what if he was? He had to take initiative to do things and mark boundaries, before he gets pressed into yet another unnecessary engagement.
You don't trust yourself enough. ]
I can't.
[ It's for her own good, he tells himself. To trust her more would be to bring them closer together, and he cannot allow that. To choose between his feelings and his goals, the latter own without question. So he has to take measures, to make sure it wasn't lost. It's for her own good, too. If they broke the rules, both of them would be punished at the same time.
He didn't have much to live for, but she still had possibility. ]
Relationships are banned in the Academy. I'm just taking steps to make sure that rule isn't broken.
[ Yes, it's lonely. But he could deal with it, he's always been lonely. ]
If I have to do this to ensure we can still graduate without problems, then so be it.
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Why can't he just trust himself more? He can't see it. But she can, because despite him criticising himself, he has never done anything to her that made her doubt him. She believes he can do it.
Also who the fuck bans relationships in schools, modern times can't make up their own minds. She gives up there so she's not going to even address it.]
You can wait. You already have that resolve. [It's deeper, as she had always suspected.] But you don't have to close yourself up. [She looks visibly upset about this, and she tries to laugh it away. But everyone knows she can't force herself to laugh.]
Tokiya, have you been drowning yourself in such thoughts all alone? [Yet he was telling her this.]
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