[There, that's the look she was wondering he will give (to the stuff). It looks like he kept silent because he was hiding that secret.]
I requested for something of your idol life using my prize to help you while you are here. I didn't expect this to happen. [Or more that she didn't know, so she couldn't be more specific.]
[ Tokiya opens his mouth as if to say something, but he quickly shuts it again after she replies. He couldn't berate her for getting him these, could he? Knowing how she worked, she wouldn't be the sort to ask beforehand. And it was all done in goodwill, too.
For the first time in weeks, he looks pained. ]
That doesn't matter.
[ He had been so intent in throwing Hayato's identity away, and he isn't going to stop now. ]
[She was bracing herself, for something. She's not sure what, but it's like poking through a part of his past he probably tried his hardest to hide.
But he doesn't do anything, he just looks upset.]
A-ah, I'm sorry. If I knew, I wouldn't have, but I have no excuse when you tried to keep it a secret. I wish I knew a better way to have requested something for you. [Her grip tightens around his things as she wonders what she can do.]
I'll keep it a secret. Is this what you've been trying to do? Separate yourself from this persona?
[That she can tell, and it's beginning to get a little...uncomfortable.]
I won't...if you just explain to me why? If you could, I want to understand. And if you do not want these, I will keep them. [Not because she used her own winnings to get them, but it's a waste if he throws it out. It wasn't all bad, the designs were nice...
She flinches when he says that, eyes widening, both out of surprise, and just instinctively she holds his things to her, almost like she was guarding them. What was it about HAYATO that he hated so much? He certainly wasn't the Tokiya she knew, but HAYATO wasn't anything bad. He was upbeat and uplifting, actually, aside from the fact he threw her off because he's not what she pictured Tokiya to ever be.]
[ For a moment, he considers the idea of just grabbing the box and taking the matter into his own hands, but it felt like too much of a chore. Who knew that the respite of spending time as himself merely made looking at this all the more sickening? ]
Did you think I had a choice?
[ Thinking back about it, perhaps he did. But it was just an illusion of a choice. He originally accepted it out of his own interest and parental expectations, but as he went down that path things just became more and more tangled until he couldn't even leave if he wanted. It was painful and so taxing, it could have been called hell. He had to work if he wanted to live, and he was too afraid to die.
Maybe he had grown soft while being here. It was a real possibility. ]
[Her eye twitched at that reply. Everyone has a choice. Even she, bound to the land, had as much choice as she could even if her bosses would get mad at her.]
You could've said no.
[But he had dreams. And sometimes to achieve those dreams, one gets desperate. She sets the box down, closing it and pushes it away so that he wouldn't see it (for now). Her hands now free, she reaches over place it gently on his head. Yoshi yoshi (only not really she's not that crazy). But yes no protesting she's stronger than him.]
I think there was something you took out of it. You've hated it enough to know what you want, who you really are, and how you're going to get it. If it helps, I like you best as you are now. [Cold and totally an asshole. But that's Tokiya at his most natural.]
He's quiet, though, while she considers his words. The people here did accept him as he is, which is a good thing - but it also meant that he had to hide his double life all the more harder. And if he went home, would he still be up to standard? There was still almost half a year until the fated graduation audition. Even if he practiced every day, there is some disconnect due to not being on air almost daily.
He just had to work harder, that was what he usually did. It's ironic, having to work on something that he wouldn't need to use immediately. ]
... you'd think so?
[ He knows he isn't a pleasant person, that's obvious enough. He hadn't needed other people back home.
Maybe he's changing, too. But is it a good thing? ]
[YEAH WHY DIDN'T HE, HUUUUH no she's stopped pushing that.
It seems he was afraid, since he didn't know if everyone would treat him different. To be very honest, she doesn't even know who the hell HAYATO is, just that he's far from the Tokiya she knows. He has great acting skills, so it could be it. A lot of idols put it on as well, so it's not like that's really a problem.
But it looks like he's just someone who wants to be an idol to show his true passion, despite being as cold as he shows. In a way, he's very warm. How can someone who is not be recognised by his peers? His friends say so too.
She nods.] I think so, yes. You do not have to have some flowery display just to make yourself seen and heard, like HAYATO. As Tokiya, you are honest and hardworking. You speak only when you think you have something important to say, and being strict means you want the best for others too. You aim for perfection because you want to give your best. [Tokiya, she's not dumb.] This is what I have observed from living with you for the last couple of months.
[ The question then, is - did he want this sort of validation? It was given to him, like how it had been given by all sorts of people, which he turned down. Back then, he had decided he didn't need it. He isn't about to admit it out loud now, but perhaps it was more useful than he thought it would be.
In any other situation he would have just brushed it off with some offhand remark, but this is Vietnam he's talking to. Someone whom he could actually respect on some level. ]
... I see.
[ Believe in himself, how? He wasn't lacking in confidence, if that counted. ]
[He might not want it, but she tells him what she thinks. Vietnam is honest, and she's not trying to flatter him, as witnessed by how she's still so formal and blunt about what she perceives of him. She's not at all flustered while giving him such compliments.
At the same time, he takes it so coolly, she wonders if he understood at all.]
Was that too much? I speak only because I truly believe it. How to say...[She taps her chin slowly in thought.] You should trust in yourself more. The others already know what you are capable of, you need not prove anything. Natsuki once said you ooze a certain appeal. I think you're already far ahead. [Yes...it is what you are thinking. She's talking about sex appeal.
And then she gives him a firm slap on the back. What?!] Ah, you are so stubborn. But I cannot fault you. It took me a while to open up to others too, so I think I can relate.
[ Luckily for her, he doesn't quite get far enough ahead to guess at what exactly that type of appeal is. But the additional affirmation is appreciated - even if he doesn't show it - and maybe, just maybe, he might be conceding. Because it is tiring to keep his walls up. There had been one person whom he could relax a little around, but that was gone now.
It would be nice to not be so strung up, he thinks. He'll still have to practice to make sure he would still be able to do it when he got back, but a little might prevent that August episode from happening again.
He starts when she hits him on the back, but manages to curb his reflexive stance. ]
[Any appeal is probably better than the appeal HAYATO had, seriously. Even the sex appeal is closer to Tokiya is than HAYATO is to him. Still, information he doesn't need, despite the fact that he parades around the house with his shirt not completely buttoned up and then takes offense when someone notices. Tokiya?!
Though she isn't the type to pry into other people's business, there's just something about Tokiya that she knows that if she leaves him alone, it might ruin him. She can't leave him alone, and while he probably doesn't make it easy, she find that he takes what she says to heart. She appreciates that.
And the fact he kept calm about her gesture of support. She rubs his back now, where she slapped. That definitely was too much.]
Please do. Know that I will support you all the way. Not because you are an idol, but because you are my friend.
[ It's not his fault his shirts only come in those kinds of sizes. Don't blame him.
Maybe it's a good thing that Vietnam's insistently looking out for him, but there's still a part of his instinct that wants him to keep his distance. It isn't quite that he can't tolerate her - rather, the fact that he had no safety net made it hard to trust on that basis.
... except he doesn't really need one here, so that's that. ]
Friend, you say?
[ For someone to still try to befriend him even after being exposed to most of his unpleasantness... ]
[His taste is sexy okay, he can't even deny it, the proof is wears them like whatever I rock it.
Tokiya might be stubborn, but she has more experience in being stubborn than he does. This is why she's so insistent. They're living in the same house, so she must make the effort! That and again, there's just something about him that makes her feel like she can't leave him alone. If she does, he'll self destruct. Those who keep up a wall can only hold it in for so long.
But she nods again, expecting him to ignore the comment or just dismiss it...wait? He didn't? He actually agreed? It's actually hard to hide her surprise that she's practically beaming.]
I am glad. [What can you even say to that? Other than her face dropping to its usual cool expression because she doesn't want to be too embarrassing. By habit, she still thinks it's hard to make friends!]
[ Self-destruct is one way to put it, really. But then again, a part of him still wants to continue, if only to see how long he can really last. Can it still be called schadenfreude, if it's directed at yourself?
Her surprise is duly noted, and replied to with a tilt of his head. It's easier to accept this than a declaration of friendship from anyone else, especially since she returned to her usual countenance so quickly.
But there is still one thing left unsettled. ]
Could I have the CD?
[ There could have been something inside. Maybe. If this was Haruka's copy... ]
[As long as he doesn't destroy himself, then she is fine with however he chooses to continue. Well, she would prefer that he continue in a way that isn't damaging.
She's not entirely sure what he wants at first, so her head tilts in the opposite direction, mirroring his. But she didn't have to ask what he was thinking about. He asked her already.]
Ah, of course. I asked for these things for you, after all. [She bends down and starts rummaging through the box again, trying to find the CD that had HAYATO across the cover. Once found, she holds it up to him.]
[ Then he'll probably end up on the brink of getting destroyed but somehow hang onto sanity for plot reasons because losing it would be losing perfection.
He takes the CD with no visible reaction, until he opens the casing and a slip of paper falls out.
It's covered with some pink writing, but the way he immediately picks it up and stuffs it back into the casing might say something else. ]
[UGH WHY DOES SHE KEEP SAVING HIM she's going to stuff him under her bed.
She was about to help catch the paper, but it looks like he got it first. However his reaction was so rushed that it confused her. Wouldn't you usually try to read it? She tilts her head in confusion.]
[WOW!!! She'll lift the bed first before she slides him under it. Then put it back on top of him. She'll also give him a blanket and a pillow.
Also she might be gullible, but she's not stupid. IT'S PINK, MAN.]
I've been meaning to ask you something, but it might be a little personal. [Which is why she's beginning to fiddle with the ends of her ponytail. Because it could be too personal.]
I've noticed that certain things make you act...erratically? I'm not entirely sure how to describe it. And I do not mean it in a bad way. Just that you're...hiding from something? [She's noticed the notebook, noticed this, and noticed how he cuts some conversation off when they head into various territories. But it seems to make him uncomfortable. It could link with why she feels like she can't leave him alone.] Ah, it's hard to put it into words...
[ That is one of the worst questions you could have asked someone as private and used to secrecy as he is.
If this was anyone else, he might have just given them a sharp evasive answer and just leave. But this is Vietnam who asked, someone whom he could respect - and the way she asked it carried no ill will.
Still, he can't answer directly. ]
It's inconsequential.
[ This is what he always tells himself, anyway. As long as he doesn't think or talk about it, it would be fine. Here, it served more as a distraction than anything else. ]
[You mean the best question. She understands privacy. She also understands when it becomes a Problem.
Somehow, she's been getting away with all his abrasiveness though, and he's just avoiding the question. Tokiya if you keep doing this to her, she'll keep thinking you're not an asshole.]
I won't push, but I just feel like what it is you think is inconsequential might be more important than you believe. Perhaps just sorting through that might also help you too. Even for your career purposes.
[ It's like what he told to Chiyo. No use fretting over something you can't change.
And yet, the concept of letting go of a secret is naturally appealing. It is appealing because the human soul is ultimately weak, and he needs to be stronger than that. No one needs to see him being affected by such a small thing. ]
It isn't something that can be changed, so there's no purpose in thinking about it.
[ Does he trust her enough to tell her? That's still not a decision he's prepared to make. ]
[She doesn't care so much if he doesn't change, she doesn't want him to hurt himself!!
Of course, to keep him safe, this might mean he has to work out his issues instead of hiding them. It might mean revealing secrets. If he could overcome that, he'll be stronger. That's what she believes, anyway.]
I think if you come to terms with it, it might help you? It's like accepting yourself even if you can't change it.
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I requested for something of your idol life using my prize to help you while you are here. I didn't expect this to happen. [Or more that she didn't know, so she couldn't be more specific.]
You...still sing wonderfully.
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For the first time in weeks, he looks pained. ]
That doesn't matter.
[ He had been so intent in throwing Hayato's identity away, and he isn't going to stop now. ]
I don't need them anymore.
[ Please don't bring them up again. ]
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But he doesn't do anything, he just looks upset.]
A-ah, I'm sorry. If I knew, I wouldn't have, but I have no excuse when you tried to keep it a secret. I wish I knew a better way to have requested something for you. [Her grip tightens around his things as she wonders what she can do.]
I'll keep it a secret. Is this what you've been trying to do? Separate yourself from this persona?
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Just don't bring this up again. [ Is that a 'yes'? ] Are you going to keep the things?
[ If not, give it to him and he'll burn them. ]
Hayato doesn't exist anymore. [ Not here, at least. ] He was never me in the first place. Don't make that assumption.
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I won't...if you just explain to me why? If you could, I want to understand. And if you do not want these, I will keep them. [Not because she used her own winnings to get them, but it's a waste if he throws it out. It wasn't all bad, the designs were nice...
She flinches when he says that, eyes widening, both out of surprise, and just instinctively she holds his things to her, almost like she was guarding them. What was it about HAYATO that he hated so much? He certainly wasn't the Tokiya she knew, but HAYATO wasn't anything bad. He was upbeat and uplifting, actually, aside from the fact he threw her off because he's not what she pictured Tokiya to ever be.]
Why did you do it then? Do you regret this?
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Did you think I had a choice?
[ Thinking back about it, perhaps he did. But it was just an illusion of a choice. He originally accepted it out of his own interest and parental expectations, but as he went down that path things just became more and more tangled until he couldn't even leave if he wanted. It was painful and so taxing, it could have been called hell. He had to work if he wanted to live, and he was too afraid to die.
Maybe he had grown soft while being here. It was a real possibility. ]
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You could've said no.
[But he had dreams. And sometimes to achieve those dreams, one gets desperate. She sets the box down, closing it and pushes it away so that he wouldn't see it (for now). Her hands now free, she reaches over place it gently on his head. Yoshi yoshi (only not really she's not that crazy). But yes no protesting she's stronger than him.]
I think there was something you took out of it. You've hated it enough to know what you want, who you really are, and how you're going to get it. If it helps, I like you best as you are now. [Cold and totally an asshole. But that's Tokiya at his most natural.]
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He's quiet, though, while she considers his words. The people here did accept him as he is, which is a good thing - but it also meant that he had to hide his double life all the more harder. And if he went home, would he still be up to standard? There was still almost half a year until the fated graduation audition. Even if he practiced every day, there is some disconnect due to not being on air almost daily.
He just had to work harder, that was what he usually did. It's ironic, having to work on something that he wouldn't need to use immediately. ]
... you'd think so?
[ He knows he isn't a pleasant person, that's obvious enough. He hadn't needed other people back home.
Maybe he's changing, too. But is it a good thing? ]
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It seems he was afraid, since he didn't know if everyone would treat him different. To be very honest, she doesn't even know who the hell HAYATO is, just that he's far from the Tokiya she knows. He has great acting skills, so it could be it. A lot of idols put it on as well, so it's not like that's really a problem.
But it looks like he's just someone who wants to be an idol to show his true passion, despite being as cold as he shows. In a way, he's very warm. How can someone who is not be recognised by his peers? His friends say so too.
She nods.] I think so, yes. You do not have to have some flowery display just to make yourself seen and heard, like HAYATO. As Tokiya, you are honest and hardworking. You speak only when you think you have something important to say, and being strict means you want the best for others too. You aim for perfection because you want to give your best. [Tokiya, she's not dumb.] This is what I have observed from living with you for the last couple of months.
You need to believe in yourself more, Tokiya.
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In any other situation he would have just brushed it off with some offhand remark, but this is Vietnam he's talking to. Someone whom he could actually respect on some level. ]
... I see.
[ Believe in himself, how? He wasn't lacking in confidence, if that counted. ]
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At the same time, he takes it so coolly, she wonders if he understood at all.]
Was that too much? I speak only because I truly believe it. How to say...[She taps her chin slowly in thought.] You should trust in yourself more. The others already know what you are capable of, you need not prove anything. Natsuki once said you ooze a certain appeal. I think you're already far ahead. [Yes...it is what you are thinking. She's talking about sex appeal.
And then she gives him a firm slap on the back. What?!] Ah, you are so stubborn. But I cannot fault you. It took me a while to open up to others too, so I think I can relate.
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It would be nice to not be so strung up, he thinks. He'll still have to practice to make sure he would still be able to do it when he got back, but a little might prevent that August episode from happening again.
He starts when she hits him on the back, but manages to curb his reflexive stance. ]
I'll think about it.
[ Take it as a yes. ]
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Though she isn't the type to pry into other people's business, there's just something about Tokiya that she knows that if she leaves him alone, it might ruin him. She can't leave him alone, and while he probably doesn't make it easy, she find that he takes what she says to heart. She appreciates that.
And the fact he kept calm about her gesture of support. She rubs his back now, where she slapped. That definitely was too much.]
Please do. Know that I will support you all the way. Not because you are an idol, but because you are my friend.
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Maybe it's a good thing that Vietnam's insistently looking out for him, but there's still a part of his instinct that wants him to keep his distance. It isn't quite that he can't tolerate her - rather, the fact that he had no safety net made it hard to trust on that basis.
... except he doesn't really need one here, so that's that. ]
Friend, you say?
[ For someone to still try to befriend him even after being exposed to most of his unpleasantness... ]
I'll take that.
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Tokiya might be stubborn, but she has more experience in being stubborn than he does. This is why she's so insistent. They're living in the same house, so she must make the effort! That and again, there's just something about him that makes her feel like she can't leave him alone. If she does, he'll self destruct. Those who keep up a wall can only hold it in for so long.
But she nods again, expecting him to ignore the comment or just dismiss it...wait? He didn't? He actually agreed? It's actually hard to hide her surprise that she's practically beaming.]
I am glad. [What can you even say to that? Other than her face dropping to its usual cool expression because she doesn't want to be too embarrassing. By habit, she still thinks it's hard to make friends!]
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Her surprise is duly noted, and replied to with a tilt of his head. It's easier to accept this than a declaration of friendship from anyone else, especially since she returned to her usual countenance so quickly.
But there is still one thing left unsettled. ]
Could I have the CD?
[ There could have been something inside. Maybe. If this was Haruka's copy... ]
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She's not entirely sure what he wants at first, so her head tilts in the opposite direction, mirroring his. But she didn't have to ask what he was thinking about. He asked her already.]
Ah, of course. I asked for these things for you, after all. [She bends down and starts rummaging through the box again, trying to find the CD that had HAYATO across the cover. Once found, she holds it up to him.]
Here.
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for plot reasonsbecause losing it would be losing perfection.He takes the CD with no visible reaction, until he opens the casing and a slip of paper falls out.
It's covered with some pink writing, but the way he immediately picks it up and stuffs it back into the casing might say something else. ]
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She was about to help catch the paper, but it looks like he got it first. However his reaction was so rushed that it confused her. Wouldn't you usually try to read it? She tilts her head in confusion.]
Tokiya?
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Yes?
[ Clearly, there's nothing interesting about the paper at all, that's why he put it back in. Surely it couldn't be written by someone he knows.
no he's a really bad liar when it comes to this ]
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Also she might be gullible, but she's not stupid. IT'S PINK, MAN.]
I've been meaning to ask you something, but it might be a little personal. [Which is why she's beginning to fiddle with the ends of her ponytail. Because it could be too personal.]
I've noticed that certain things make you act...erratically? I'm not entirely sure how to describe it. And I do not mean it in a bad way. Just that you're...hiding from something? [She's noticed the notebook, noticed this, and noticed how he cuts some conversation off when they head into various territories. But it seems to make him uncomfortable. It could link with why she feels like she can't leave him alone.] Ah, it's hard to put it into words...
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If this was anyone else, he might have just given them a sharp evasive answer and just leave. But this is Vietnam who asked, someone whom he could respect - and the way she asked it carried no ill will.
Still, he can't answer directly. ]
It's inconsequential.
[ This is what he always tells himself, anyway. As long as he doesn't think or talk about it, it would be fine. Here, it served more as a distraction than anything else. ]
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Somehow, she's been getting away with all his abrasiveness though, and he's just avoiding the question. Tokiya if you keep doing this to her, she'll keep thinking you're not an asshole.]
I won't push, but I just feel like what it is you think is inconsequential might be more important than you believe. Perhaps just sorting through that might also help you too. Even for your career purposes.
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And yet, the concept of letting go of a secret is naturally appealing. It is appealing because the human soul is ultimately weak, and he needs to be stronger than that. No one needs to see him being affected by such a small thing. ]
It isn't something that can be changed, so there's no purpose in thinking about it.
[ Does he trust her enough to tell her? That's still not a decision he's prepared to make. ]
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Of course, to keep him safe, this might mean he has to work out his issues instead of hiding them. It might mean revealing secrets. If he could overcome that, he'll be stronger. That's what she believes, anyway.]
I think if you come to terms with it, it might help you? It's like accepting yourself even if you can't change it.
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